Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters – 31 Days of Halloween, Day 2

October is Halloween movie month! Having been completely deprived of any kind of Halloween experience growing up, I now spend 31 days celebrating with film and TV. I like to shoot for a mix of old and new, horror and comedy, from the slightly spooky to the totally terrifying to the just plain weird. Each day of October I’ll reviewing one of these ventures in the realm of the creepy and supernatural. Some will be high quality cinema and some will require large amounts of alcohol to survive. Stock up on seasonal beer and Fireball-apple jello shots and join me! A warning, though – unless the review is of a very recent release, HERE BE SPOILERS.

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)

Starring: Hawkeye, Strawberry Fields, and Jean Grey going full Dark Phoenix.

Synopsis: Framed as the aftermath of Hansel and Gretel famously killing and baking the witch in the candy house, the movie begins with a retelling of the fairy tale in which the witch wins an award for Least Subtle Crone Ever and Gretel is the one who saves the day (and Hansel) and kills the witch. We are shown that the pair then go on to be famous witch hunters, killing scores of witches all across the land.  The main action of the movie truly begins in a town where nearly a dozen children have gone missing and the siblings have been called in to do something about it. They save a woman who has been (sort of) false accused of witchcraft and then go on to battle a massive coven led by Famke Janssen in what might as well be a sequel to her role in X-Men: The Last Stand. The witches have plans to use the children plus the power of a blood moon plus Gretel’s heart (as it’s been revealed her mother was a white witch who actually sent the children into the woods to protect them and therefore her heart has special good magic) to create a potion that will make the witches immune to the usual witch-killing methods. Massive amounts of bloodshed ensue, Hansel and Gretel pick up some friends, and the coven is defeated.

I have very mixed feeling about this movie. I mentioned in my last movie review the inherent problems with Bad Witch stories (which, more here) and this movie exemplifies those problems ad nauseum.